we have pet lesbian snakes
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
