it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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