I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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