my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
