We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
