Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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