she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
