He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
