Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
