She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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