the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
