dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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