So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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