and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
