Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
