God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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