The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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