It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
