I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
