I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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