My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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