on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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