just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
