i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
