I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
