ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
