I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
