Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
