now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
