you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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