Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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