I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
