hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
