I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
