I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
