If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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