can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
