i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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