Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
