I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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