those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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