mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
