I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
a search helicopter?!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
