I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
