I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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