I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
