I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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