So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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