just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
