I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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