If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
