theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
