Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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