Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
