Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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