i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
