and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
