Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Terrible idea I love it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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